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Museum fauna

In a museum you can adopt various behaviors. Rather, you suffer them unconsciously. There are those who see the museum in five minutes, like running the marathon of Bande à part, there are those who suffer from a myopic effect as soon as they cross the door ... And even if you don't want to admit it, you will almost certainly be inside one of these prototypes of museum visitors.

It will be for the culture, for the effect of the posters or for pure posturing. The fact is that the 21st Century Man likes to go to exhibitions more and more because of stepping on gleaming ground and taking advantage of that insubstantial time between breakfast and Sunday snack. Several harmless specimens coexist with tables and brochures with which to share an ecosystem. Knowing them is the key to having a satisfying experience.

What times those in which the guides were powerful voices with charisma capable of maintaining the attention of dozens of ears! In a loud voice they used to interrupt the climax of silence and admiration that reigned in the halls to explain the works of art. Now all that has changed because of the Operator microphones directly connected to each visitor's receivers. This type of specimen no longer has an excuse. Rather, I could look at another painting, share impressions or directly move on. No longer. Now you have to swallow the insufferable explanations which no longer generates envy among others. Nobody wants to be in your skin anymore.

Don't miss the umbrella-flag © Corbis

The improved version of the guides are the audio guides. They come to be like the inflatable doll of explanations. You can start, end and even rewind whenever you want. There are two types of audioguides:

Those who share

They are usually couples who pay each euro to death, they eat expired yogurts and press the tube of toothpaste. And, of course, people without complexes who do not mind being discovered by joining the lobe with the lobe, taking care of one (or two) little voices. In every exhibition there is always some hustler who thinks that this can be linked. Error. From this moment on you will always be a koala for him / her.

Those who go on their own

There are some so professional that they even wear headphones to save themselves from holding the pot up during the visit. They live and will always live with their mother. But here they feel so VIP ...
Interesting wisdom that when he goes alone he is usually dressed with a notebook where he draws or points and that when he is accompanied he tries to scrub his fellow visitor (probably with a Higher Degree in administration and finance and a thousand euros more salary) his career, his years of studies and his colleges at recess. It happens to them like scientists, who know a lot but don't know how to count. Why this phenomenon? Well, those who have a little grace get into guides, so is the profession.

Art students or artists © Corbis

Attached to these previous types will always be the journal. That one who cares for everything rather little (if not, would have shared an audio guide) and for whom the salt of life is to achieve everything for free, half borrowed from the neighbor without committing a crime. His ability to absorb ideas is rather low, but he has gotten too much to have achieved everything by the pin. Outside the rooms they usually acquire customs such as reading the WhatsApp of the third-party Smartphone. Then there is the cleat-man, more talkative and sly. Able to assimilate adapt and endorse the talk of others. He usually steals drinks and flirts in nightclubs.
User of one of the most mythical resources to non-wisdom: look at the sign. If the name sounds to you, the picture is good. If the name looks Italian, the picture is good. If the surname is Spanish, the work is overrated ... The key is to know how to differentiate those who do it with good taste (observe, flatter, read and nod) and those who do not hide their ignorancea (read and then mumble / compliment).
Honestly, his (supposed) visual impairment often causes someone else's shame. Play with fire, get close, take risks until you get the minimum possible distance between your nose and the canvas. However, if everyone does the same, theirs is to copy, it is not going to be discovered "another face in the brushstroke" or "torment in texture."

The reader, not only of posters, but of entire books © Corbis

Bohemian Look: skinny pants, two sizes larger sweater and abundant hair (either in ponytail, in the Pelocho or with exaggerated bangs). And very, very tall. He knows he is handsome, but he wants to be interesting.

He wants to live in postmodern, plastic and candy Paris of Jean-Pierre Jeunet's films. White complexion, deep look and dresses with antierotic prints (although counterproductive). When they are accompanied by a 'handsome' envy generates that the rest of the world wishes them to have a choni son who ends up dating in Big Brother.

Beings of that generation who had no idea of ​​English and who used to pronounce the names of Hollywood actors as they are read. Then Humphrey Bogart appeared and changed everything since they understood that his name had to be pronounced as 'Jamfri'. In art there is a more surprising case if possible. They usually have no problem pronouncing Italian surnames. Not even so the French resist. They even strut when they talk about Kandinsky and Klimt. They cannot be blamed for making mistakes with Munch or Klee, since everyone swings to name them. But when the Anglo-Saxons arrive ... Oh dear! Poor Turner and Constable! The latter ends up being another adverb of the Cervantes language.

Wherever you go ... do what you see © Corbis

In the proximity of others, this kind of Homo sees the possibility of showing off and spreading his thoughts on each painting at four winds. Ok, yes, it is difficult to maintain a climate of silence in Spain that lasts longer than the 12 chimes of New Year's Eve, but it is really painful and irritating to suffer the lady on duty saying “How nice” or “Mari, look, a vanguard (Van Gogh) "
A.D. 72368 Aliens arrive on Earth looking for the vestiges of a previous civilization. In an excavation they find a crowded storage room of Exhibition plates! And all without framing! The impulse that leads the consumer specimen to cramp with any decent poster of the exhibition is similar to that caused by the fever in the 90s by accumulating photos in roller coasters. Yes, okay, it is very sweet and we can all mutate to acquire their skills for card payment without regrets. But before this happens, dear reader, think about the aesthetic and chromatic possibilities of Franz Marc's 'The Yellow Cow' hitting in his immaculate guest room ...

* You may also be interested ...

- How to behave in a museum
- All museums and art galleries
- 13 reasons to go to a museum in 2013
- All articles by Javier Zori del Amo

Crazy about audio guides © Corbis


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